I realise bankers are not exactly flavour of the decade. However, mine is going to extraordinary lengths to vex me at the moment. I went to Milan on New Year's Eve a couple of years ago (the day I joined Twitter as it happens, very hungover, in Milan airport, at the behest of @jameszabiela with whom I'd gone there.) and was highly inconvenienced when my card didn't work in an ATM I tried in town. Upon my return, I went into my local branch (Sloane Square at the time) and complained. The rather sniffy bank teller told me it was for 'my own good' as for all they knew my account was being pilfered by some sort of international hacking ring. The haughtiness with which this was delivered merely added to my annoyance. My attitude is, if they're so vigilant and customer care focused- they've got your number? Call you? They're quick enough to do so if you go over your overdraft by one nanopenny!
So now, whenever I go abroad, I ensure they are informed. Fair play to them, I thought, protecting the innocent and naive customer from their own folly. They're 'the world's local bank' after all, so they probably know best about travelling. But then I remembered that once I had had fraud on my card- originating from Costcutter in Streatham. My card was cancelled straight away, and a full refund delivered. Doubtless in accordance with come banking code or other- they are not known for their compensatory generosity. Which got me thinking- it's not for MY good at all, is it?
The reason HSBC have such Draconian criteria for this is that THEY don't want to lose the money. I have a few different accounts for one thing and another, and as I'm going abroad in a few days I thought I ought to notify them. HSBC have a facility on their home page to do this. I called RBS which is probably the account I'll be using most, and they said they don't have a facility for this. I got the chap's name, rank and serial number and said 'So, if I'm locked in negotiations with a sarong vendor on Rai Leh beach and having haggled it down to 20 baht I can't get my money out; you will deliver unto me your first born child?'
He said (to appease me) 'I'll make a note on the account, but it really isn't necessary.'
HSBC have such stringent measures because they know that if anyone fraudulently gets money from your account, they will have to refund it and don't get it back. Where does it go from here?
HSBC HQ:
'Charlie, Alasdair's getting money out from a cashpoint in Fulham. He NEVER goes west of Waterloo! Call the SWAT team! De-activate everything on his account! Lock that baby down'
It's ridiculous.
So, imagine my chagrin when I received a letter from them this morning, telling me that from now on, whenever I want to log into my account on the internet, I will have to use a card security reader.
Log in.
Not 'buy the Koh-I-Noor diamond'.
Log in.
A couple of points. This is ridiculous. I do banking all the time at work and at home. It's hard enough remembering keys wallet and phone without having to fanny about with a card reader as well. But worse than this is the sycophantic simpering of the accompanying letter.
'We're constantly evolving how we keep YOU protected, Secure Key is the latest of these innovations... it helps YOU ensure only YOU can access your internet banking...it's sleek design means it should [should? what the fuck do you know about my wallet?] fit easily into your purse or wallet'
So, basically, I've got to lug around a ZX Spectrum everywhere I go so I can access banking online. To me, this totally defeats the convenience of online banking. And my money is fine, old chum, if it gets fraudulently stolen, you'll give it back. A better approach from my point of view would have been something along the lines of:
'We keep getting shafted by online fraud. This is actually costing YOU money, because trust me, anything we have to shell out more than comes back to us - we just raise your charges or interest rates or account fees. Failing that, the government just gives it to us but we shaft you anyway'
What this Portas-esque approach would lack in subtlety, it at least would make up for in straight talking and lack of condescension.
